Saturday With Steve

I decided to do something a little bit different this Saturday for your reading pleasure.  Since this was a rare weekend where we were not attending a game, I decided to chronicle the events of the day in a running stream of consciousness blog.  As it happened, there were numerous games of interest that I knew I’d be keeping close tabs on and it turned out to be a pretty spectacular day of college football.  Here are the games I set out to watch and comment on:  Texas v Oklahoma, Auburn v Ole Miss, Alabama v Missouri, West Virginia  v Texas Tech, Florida v Vandy, South Carolina vs LSU and Tennessee v MississippiState.  I clicked around to other games but these were the games that merited my primary focus.  Without further adieu, here’s a Saturday with Steve…

 10:59   Lee Corso just makes me laugh.  I mean, does anyone personify a leprechaun better than Corso?  He’s wearing the leprechaun outfit, dancing a jig and having a ball on Gameday.  Any college football fan that takes this guy seriously is missing out on the true essence of College Gameday.  Too funny….and we’re off!

 11:45   Auburn’s center snaps one over Mosley’s head to Toomer’s Corner.  Ole Miss recovers to lead 14-0.  Pallbearers please take your positions on the field – Auburn is officially dead.

 11:46   Oklahoma goes deuces wild as they match Texas’ safety with a safety of their own to up the OU lead to 29-2.  I think Bevo would rather be a steak than a mascot for this Texas team.

 12:30   Auburn arises from the dead, rallies, and is now up 17-14.  What in the name of Pat Dye is going on out there?  I have to step away as a coughing fit overtakes me…. 

 1:10     Monte Ball “bursts” 75 yards for a TD against Purdue.  Ball ran right, stopped, ran left, stopped, slowly started back up the middle and, yet, ran untouched into the end zone.  How is that even possible?  I think I’ve found old man football – it’s alive and well in the Big 10.

 1:15     Ole Miss scores to go up 24-17 and then sacks Auburn to force a three and out.  Call the pallbearers back to the field for surely this is the end.  Call the Family for last rites…

 1:37     Cue the guy from the Holy Grail.  “I’m not dead yet!”  Auburn kicks a field goal to cut it to 24-20.  These guys are like Jason.  All that’s missing is a hockey mask and a chain saw.

 1:42     It’s pouring down rain in Lafayette, IN and the Purdue v Wisconsin game is a quagmire.  Can the rain actually negate either team’s speed (or lack thereof)?  I hear the “Nothin’ from nuthin’ leaves nuthin’” song in my head…

 1:50     Midway thru an Ole Miss offensive play, whistles blow as the previous play is under review.  Or is it the current play is under review?  Wallace had gained four yards and then the whistles blew.  Stupid replacement refs…

1:55     Ted.  Put your house up for sale and move.  There’s a gaggle of clowns across the street and all they are focused on is having you over for potluck.  Did you not see the movie “It?”  Run Ted!  Clowns freak me out.  Wonder if LSU’s third string left tackle will wish he’d stayed in the house tonight after seeing Clowney.  Clowney freaks me out, too.

 2:09     Donte Moncrief drops a first down pass and the Ole Miss punter shanks a punt for 12 yards, but an offsides penalty on AU saves the day.  Wow.  Instead of getting the ball at the Rebel’s 38, Auburn takes over on their own 21.  It’s that kind of year.  Satan seems to be cashing in those 2010 favors early.

 2:26     Jeff Scott converts a 3rd and 16 into a touchdown by going into the Auburn end zone Michael Dyer style.  Irony abounds as Scott mimics Dyer’s National Championship run in Huge Freeze’s offense.  The commentators remind us that Hugh Freeze is a Gus Malzahn protégé.  I’ll chase my beer with a tall glass of irony.  Good times.

 2:32     CBS shows AJ McCarron warming up and it’s not raining in Columbia, MO!  Whew.  Storms were supposed to be in the area but it looks like weather won’t be a factor today.

 2:35     Get the marshmallows – we’ve got us a dumpster fire in Auburn.  Ole Miss picks off a Mosley pass and, a few plays later, goes up 41 to 20. Well, at least the trees are safe.

 2:39     And now the rain begins in Missouri.  Uh oh.  Spoke too soon.

 2:41     On the second play of the game, Alabama’s Lacy goes for 73 yards TD.  Show Me some Old Man football, Sheldon Richardson, you ridiculous fool!

 2:44     Auburn loses to the entire state of Mississippi for the first time in their history.  Next up, Vandy.  It’s sad when Vandy is salivating to play you…

 2:51     Texas Tech is already up 7-0 on WVU.  The Mounty defense is atrocious.  Somewhere in Auburn, someone is muttering about how they should have kept Tubs…

 2:58     Texas Tech touchdown on a gorgeous throw to the corner.  Can Geno Smith play defense????

 3:05     Oklahoma wins 63-21 and Bevo officially volunteers to become the beef for Whataburger instead of being the mascot for Whatacluster.

 3:06     The saucy Aussie Jesse Williams lines up at fullback and leads the pogo stick of Lacy into the end zone.  Boing!  It’s going to be too easy for Bama today, despite the deluge of rain.  Looks miserable out there. 

 3:09     Pictures of the downpour in Mizzou causes my wife to remind me that she vetoed going to that game.  I grin, kiss her on the cheek and crack open another beverage.  Good times, indeed!

 3:12     CJ Mosley has his second sack.  Long day in the rain for Berkstresser.  Bama blocks the subsequent punt.  And the rout is on.

 3:15     There is a loud audible pop during the Bama game but it’s not lightning.  Jesse Williams lit up a Tiger as the lead blocker for Bama.  TD Bama.  21-0. 

 3:24     WVU punts.  Weird.

 3:28     With 13:19 to go in the second quarter, Verne says Missouri fans headed to the exits.  What took them so long?

 3:36     Stanford shanks a tying field goal.  Slow mo shows laces weren’t out, Dan!

 3:41     TJ Yeldon superman’s those hos by leaping from the five yard line into the end zone. Did.  You.  See.  THAT?  Wow.  Pretty good for a second stringer.

 3:41     Texas Tech scores to go up 21-7.  They show Tuberville grinning on the sidelines and I think he’s laughing at AU.

 3:43     Lightning strikes cause a stoppage in Alabama game, proving only God can stop this Alabama team. 

 3:51     Touchdown Stanford on a sack/fumble in the Notre Dame end zone.  A mighty blast with an oversized pillow in this legendary pillow fight.  Meh.  Irish completely overrated, you know, as usual.

 3:59     Did I mention that WVU has no defense whatsoever?  Touchdown Texas Tech!   28-7.  Can Geno rush the passer? 

 4:00     Irish have a bad snap on a FG.  This game is putting the word “special” into special teams. 

 4:12     Facebook confirms that AU fans indeed miss Tubs as Texas Tech scores to make it 35-7.  A bad day worsens for the Auburn fans who are still paying attention.  More than half of the Tiger fans I know weren’t going to even watch their game this week.  Aw.

 4:22     Dana Holgerson mentions the wind 6 times during his halftime interview.  Interesting.  I guess it only blows when West Virginia has the ball?

 4:24     Bama kicks off to begin the rain delay and Mizzou houses it.  No, guys, it was a delay, not a cancellation.  Still gotta play another two and a half quarters, kids….

 4:31     Lacy commits Bama’s second turnover of the day.  Smelling salts anyone?  WTF?

 4:36     CBS shows the Mizzou band doing the sprinkler dance in the rain.  Hilarious!

 4:40     Mandell drops a snap which is basically the third turnover of the day.  It’s like a bad Folger’s commercial.  “We’ve secretly replaced the Bama players with the St Louis Rams…”

 4:46     Hubbard destroys Berkstresser causing a sack/fumble that’s returned to the 50.  Here endeth the lesson…and the half…and the game.

 4:51     Tune in for “Nashville” and see Hayden Panettierre take her shirt off.  SOLD!

 4:53     The Irish’s Golson runs for 20 yards and fumbles, turning the ball back over to Stanford.  Scintillating football.

 5:05     AJ McCarron goes down with an injured ankle or knee.  Bama is holding on to a 28-10 lead but getting severely outplayed since the lightning delay.  An injury to AJ is a lightning strike that Bama’s title hopes won’t recover from.

 5:08     Notre Dame scores to make it 10-10 and the place goes wild!  A jump ball was caught between two defenders.  Irish fever (and jump balls).  Catch it.

 5:10     Touchdown pass for Texas Tech – 42 to 7.  Doege’s 5th TD pass.  Damn that stupid wind.

 5:16     McCarron comes back – never missed a play.  Up 18 in a driving rainstorm, you have to wonder why risk further injury?  Alabama could take a knee the rest of the game and Mizzou wouldn’t sniff the end zone.

 5:27     Notre Dame stuffs Stanford on 3rd and 3 at the three yard line.  Stanford settles for three and leads 13 to 10.  Yawn. 

 5:29     Touchdown VANDY!  They lead 7-0 in the first quarter.  Both Vandy fans go wild!  Go Commodorks!  Luginbill says Vandy is in command of how this game is being played.  Why does that sound so odd???

 5:38     Notre Dame’s Golson is knocked out of the game and Tommy Rees comes in.  As the passing QB and ND needing passing yards, you almost wonder why it took an injury for Rees to come in.  Strange.

 5:40     The Irish enter the red zone.  Please God, don’t let this awful game go to overtime. 

 5:43     Notre Dame is stuffed at the Stanford 3 on third and two.  ND trots out their FG kicker to tie this legendary game.  The kick is good, the game is tied at 13 and we’ll be forced to pay attention to this game even longer.  Cue up a 30 minute segment of Sportscenter to talk about this valiant Irish comeback.

 5:46     Big Jesse Williams is at fullback again to lead TJ Yeldon into the end zone.  While half of Yeldon’s body is beyond the goal line, he’s ruled down just short.  Lacy comes in, follows Jesse and it’s a touchdown.   35-10.  Nine minutes left – get AJ out now, please.

 5:47     The bottom line shows Auburn lost 41-20 to Ole Miss and I giggle.  The next item is a blurb about the Yankees and I wonder “are they still playing baseball?”  I giggle again.

 5:49     Touchdown run for Jeff Driskell and Florida converts a two point conversion just for meanness.  Well, that was fun, Vandy.  You tried…

 5:55     Rees is sacked on the first play of overtime.  Now I see why he wasn’t playing.

 5:57     Blake Sims is in for Alabama at QB.  Meanwhile, the gods smile on Notre Dame as another jump ball is caught to convert a third and long in overtime.  One play later, ND takes the lead 20-13.  Best team in college football, clearly.  This makes me  wonder, is it really Touchdown Jesus or just a Five Dollar Footlong ad on the side of their library? 

 6:00     Blake Sims takes over at QB and runs for 36 yards.  AJ who? 

 6:01     WVU game is over.  Well, officially over.  At the same time, Alabama’s fifth string RB scores to make it 42-10.  But, still, they are no Notre Dame – those gritty, gutty Catholics just know how to win, so let’s just focus our attention on them.  Where’s Lou Holtz?

 6:06     Stanford facing fourth and goal from the ND one foot line.  Wake up the echos…and Holtz.  Taylor is stopped for a second time on the same play and ND wins.  Nevermind the fact that Taylor wasn’t on the ground and reached the ball across the goal line.  That seemingly doesn’t matter.

 6:08     Lamichael Fanning plays Tiger toss by taking a Mizzou RB and flipping him over his head.  Bad kitty!  And this kitty didn’t come close to landing on all fours.  I’ll let Myth Busters know…

 6:14     The Alabama game ends 42-10.  The coaches meet at midfield in a surreal scene as Mizzou gathers around their teammate who is having to be carted from the field with a head injury.  I have never seen a game end that way – prayers to that young man, his family and his teammates.

 6:20     I found the Arkansas v Kentucky game.  It looks like Arky busted out some swanky new uniforms for this heated matchup.  Arky is pulling out all the stops for the Kentucky game?  I wonder, who besides me is even watching the game to see the unis?  Weird.

 6:33     Vandy holds Florida to a field goal and goes to half trailing 11-7.  When asked how to stop Florida from their typical great second half, Tony Franklin says, “I worry about Vanderbilt – we’re going be great in the second half!”  Love that guy!  Anchor down!

 6:40     Lightning suspends the Arkansas game.  I think this is like a tree falling in the forest and no one being around to hear it.  Did it really fall?  Who cares…

 6:59     Touchdown Vandy!  And the Dores go wild…wait…flag.  Holding on Vandy.  Sigh.  THIS is Vandy football.

 7:01     It’s Saturday night in Baton Rouge and LSU is 6-0 here after a road loss.  I predict 6-1.  We shall see.  Les enters the stadium, doesn’t eat the grass.  Telling….

 7:02     South Carolina takes the field and my wife says they should lose just because of their uniforms.  Hideous.  Their pants are supposed to be camouflage but, instead, looks like a grey and white pattern that would be seen on women’s pants.  Wife says “No woman would wear those pants!”  Touche.

 7:10     Vandy’s 44 yard field goal is blocked.  That’s so Vandy being Vandy.  Muschamp gives a forearm shiver to the closest Gator and his head nearly spins off.  That’s so Coach Boom being a douche…

 7:17     Touchdown Florida.  Turn out the lights, Vandy, the party’s over.  Driskell is a great running quarterback who can’t throw.  I think they call those running backs.

 7:22     The Mad Hatter eschews a 4th and 1 from the USC one and opts for a field goal.  Now, confused, they call their second timeout of the DRIVE.  Guessing they have to go for it now.  I mean, who would call a timeout just to kick a field goal?  Oh, yeah, the Hat.

 7:26     I was right – LSU went for it but an offsides penalty forces a field goal attempt.  It’s good. 3-0 LSU with 5 mins to go in the 1st quarter.  Wasted timeout…

 7:30     Tabasco is aged in Jack Daniels barrels.  Interesting…

 7:41     Apparently Mettenberger’s three step drop simply means he’ll throw interceptions more quickly.  This pick is returned to the LSU 1 yard line.  Mettenberger gives a half assed effort to tackle, proving he’s every bit as good as Jordan Jefferson.

 7:47     Spurrier proves he’s every bit as “zany” as Les Miles by wasting his second timeout of the half.

 7:50     Touchdown South Carolina on a nice little rollout with Shaw.  Spurrier’s timeout resulted in a touchdown, proving once again why he’s the wily ole ball coach.  Yeah, I know, I hate him, too.

8:00     LSU calls a slant and fade – an adjustment based on the Gamecock corners jumping the route – and the pass is overthrown badly.  I’m so impressed with the play calling of LSU – it’s not the coordinator’s fault he’s stuck with Mettenberger.  LSU botches the subsequent field goal and it remains 7-3 with 11:01 to go in the second quarter.

 8:09     Derek Dooley gimps down to his seat in the press box.  Hip surgery has taken him off the sidelines temporarily.  A loss in this game will take him off the sidelines permanently.

 8:17     Miss State kicks a FG and they are up 3-0.  My wife, a Vols fan, shrieks and scares the dog to death.  It will be a long game….

 8:22     Spurrier goes for it on 4th and 2 and gets it – huge conversion with 2 mins left in the quarter.  If they score a TD on this drive, the game will likely be over as LSU could play 8 quarters and never score 14 points.

 8:26     Touchdown Tennessee to go up 7-3.  Wife’s “restrained” cheer sends our dog out of the room.  Lucky dog.

 8:28     It’s halftime and Spurrier says his QB is “discomboblulated” and then says he’ll fix the offense by throwing it more.  This is an odd plan to me since he has, you know, a  discombobulated QB.  This makes me, you know, discombobulated.

 8:37     Touchdown MissState – leading 10 to 7.  My wife heads for another drink meaning the window for the evening has officially closed.  Sigh…

 8:53     Touchdown Miss State – their back up QB finds a receiver out to practice early.  The Bulldog wide receivers are running free in the Tennessee secondary.  No running free for me this evening….sigh…

 8:55     LSU literally drives the football down the Gamecock defense’s throat.  The USC defense is reeling and LSU is putting their boots on the USC throats.  Interesting turn of events here.  The tide of this game and the fates of the SEC East and West is turning.

 8:57     Corredelle Patterson houses the kickoff and suddenly it’s a game again.  STUD!  Is anyone more exciting than this kid when he gets the ball?

 9:02     Um, yes, there is one kid more exciting.  SEC fans, meet Johnny  Manziel – he just scored on a 20 yard run and A&M leads La Tech 21-0.  He’s so much fun to watch.  Look out for A&M if they are still on your schedule because this kid is ridiculous.

 9:15     Mississippi State sinks Dooley in his pressbox chair as their pooch kick is left unattended for a Bulldog recovery.  Wife comes unglued.  Drinks for everyone – especially Dooley!

9:17     As the geeky looking Tennessee special team coach gets blown off by a UT player he’s trying to “coach up”, Miss State converts the Tennessee kickoff gaffe into a touchdown.  27-14.  Someone call Barbara Dooley and see if she’s ok.  Her boy just got fired…

 9:20     Marcus Lattimore answers the bell and scores from two yards out.  Nice drive by the Gamecocks as they take a 14-10 lead.  That should do it with 4 mins to go in the third quarter.

 9:40     Another shot of Dooley posing as Wilson from Home Improvement – you can’t make up comedy like this.  Well, except for the shots of the special teams weiner clutching his play sheet like a woobie.  I mean, how many plays can you have on special teams, anyway?  Nevermind, no one touches “precious”…

 9:49     Third and 2 from the USC 2 and Mettenberger hits a cheerleader with a fade pass.  Wow.  So close.  Not.  LSU trots out the field goal unit to make it 14-13.  Hey, Hat boy, might shoulda run that one and then run it again on fourth.  Mad Hatter, indeed.

 9:55     Connor Shaw throws to, well, no one in particular.  Two LSU defenders are the only ones on the screen and one of them picks it off and returns it to the USC 20.  Worst throw I’ve seen today and the worst time for it.  When Shaw comes back out, I wouldn’t be surprised to see a visor poking out from his ass.

 10:02   LSU converts the Shaw pick into a field goal as the Cajun fans rain down boos like beads at Mardi Gras.  Hatter goes conservative and sets up the field goal – I guess the drunk Cajuns are just, well, too drunk to realize they’ve taken the lead.

 10:09   LSU turns the lights out on the Gamecocks as Jeremy Hill gashes the worn out Cocks.  Sorry.  Too easy.  LSU has outgained them 431 to 137.  Inconceivable.

 10:20   USC goes for it on 4th and 13 and scores a TD!  Crazy.  The play is under review but why not kick the FG and cut it to one score?  Crazy ole ball coach.  Ball is ruled down at the half yard line which gets the clock rolling once again.  Shaw hits Ellington for a TD with 1:41 remaining to cut it to 23-21.  Now it’s time for my favorite play in football – the onsides kick!

 10:33   LSU wins – unbelievable.  The West and East are still up for grabs.

 11:07   Mississippi State scores a TD to go up 10 points and ends any chances in my getting laid.

 11:15   Tennessee scores!  Now, if only I could.  34-31, MSU leads with 5 mins left.

 11:25   I just found out Arkansas v Kentucky was called due to lack of interest.  Or lightning.  Or both.

 11:31   And that does it for Tennessee.  Tremendous catch by MSU to make it 41-31 with only nine seconds left.  Meanwhile, Texas A&M leads La Tech 46-30 and, while I’d love to watch the end of it, I’ll tivo and save it for later.  Peace out – it’s been a day!

 Editor’s Note:  A&M and La Tech finished an absolutely wild game sometime after midnight with the Aggies winning 59 to 57.

Thanks for reading – I hope you enjoyed this stream of conscious day of college football!  Let me know if you’d like to see another appearance of Saturday with Steve!


2 comments on “Saturday With Steve

  1. Buchanan, Thomas says:

    Great job, keep the Saturday blog going!!

    Tommy Buchanan


    • lneck says:

      Thanks, Tommy! Much appreciated! The Saturday blog feedback has been all over the board but the majority seem to like it. Thanks a TON for the feedback – means more than you can know!


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